It was bitingly cold this morning as I headed to work. I left home a bit early because although I had 1/3 tank of gas, I wanted to fill my tank up since it’s cold and blustery outside. While there, I decided to treat myself by getting a cup of coffee to take with me.
I trotted inside the convenience store and grabbed my usual 20 oz. cup, filling it ¾ of the way with “bakery blend” coffee and topping it off with some hot cocoa. I paid the clerk and got back into my car to head to work.
Driving along the highway often gets my brain juices flowing and this morning was no exception. I glanced at my coffee cup sitting in its cozy cup holder and wondered why do I always get such a large cup of coffee, or even soda? I know I never finish the entire thing, and if I do it’s a rarity. Why the waste, I asked myself. My heart told my mind immediately what the underlying issue is.
I need to know I have enough.
Growing up, our family often scraped the bottom of the barrel financially and sometimes there was a concern for my mom and dad on whether we’d have enough food to last until the next paycheck. God always provided, but sometimes the food we ate was an interesting conglomeration of whatever bits were left in the cabinets and the refrigerator.
Because we were “poor” so often in my childhood – in fact for my entire life – that I must have developed a “pit” of enoughness that needs to be filled.
When I grocery shop, I tend to buy too much, often getting duplicate items because I didn’t check to see what we already had. While I realize this is often just a lack of planning, it is also rooted in that enough-pit. When I get a drink at a fast food restaurant or a convenience store, or even Starbucks, I almost, without fail, buy the largest within reason. I rarely finish them. I just need to know I have it if I need it.
I find myself asking, how much is enough?
With all of this thinking about my overspending, overindulging tendencies, my thoughts turned immediately to my spiritual life. So often, in my faith walk, I feel the need to rely on human understanding, emotional responses, other people’s prayers, confirmation from mentors and faith friends and even worship experiences. Sundays are amazing at my church. I can enter into the Presence of God through worship quickly and deeply most weeks. I sense His Holy Spirit in my very being, often with outward signs of tremoring. I hear His Voice and I step out to share a word of wisdom when prompted. I pray for people, guided by the Holy Spirit’s voice and urgings. I believe. I live. I breathe. I move in His anointing.
And then I go home. And I become “normal”. I struggle to live a life of faith worthy of the calling of Christ on a daily basis. I become shy in my walk, often hesitating to say anything that would point out that I am a Believer and a Disciple. The anointing oil I wear around my neck at church suddenly gets left on the dresser during the work week. My emotional life often strangles me during the week, with stress and anxiety often winning the battle for my peace and joy. I share what God does in my life, but only to the point of a pre-determined safety net and I never share anything that would make a person uncomfortable in their comfort zone, sometimes even when I know God wants me to share it in a loving way to reach that person. I am a Sunday Christian. To this point, I’ve not been “all in”.
What it boils down to is that God is not enough.
If I am honest, there is no other way to put it. There is no nice, sweet, “anointed” way to say that I do not believe, as evidenced by my actions, that God is enough for me. It grieves me to even admit it but I know that is the current half-truth. Why do I call it a half-truth? Because I know in my knower that it’s a lie of the enemy I don’t fully believe. If I fully believed God isn’t enough, I wouldn’t go to church, I wouldn’t minister, I wouldn’t pray at all, I wouldn’t worship, I wouldn’t be writing this very sentence.
How do I believe God is enough?
I must find a way to fully believe that God is enough. My spiritual journey and its level of success will depend upon it. What are some practical ways I can bolster my faith and turn half-believing into full believing?
Here are a few things I plan to do immediately and ongoing to turn this thing around:
- Use my Bible to find and write down or type out verses about God’s provision for my physical, spiritual, mental and emotional needs.
- Confess and pray these verses every morning when I wake up.
- Carry these verses with me everywhere I go (iPhone anyone?) in order to confess them during times of doubt.
- Confess and pray these verses every evening before I go to bed.
- Learn to hear and sense moments of doubt and speak (out loud if necessary) the verses that will combat the lies I’m hearing and believing at the moment.
- Pray daily and continually against the spiritual forces that come against my belief system.
- Pray for Christ’s protection over my mind, emotions, body and will.
- Keep a journal of ongoing issues/struggles and how God wins!
Is God enough for you?